Funny Jokes To Tell Your Friends

1. A young man just received his college degree and rushed out saying,
"Here I am, lord. I have a BA."
        And the lord replied...
"Sit down, son, and I will teach you the rest of the alphabet."😉

2. An old couple was having dinner one summer night. All of a sudden the lights went off due to load shedding. The husband lit a candle and they continued with their dinner. He finished his meal and saw his wife perspiring. He got up with intention of putting on the fan. Sensing this his wife looked at him inquiringly.
        "I will switch on the fan, dear!" he said.
        "What, you want me to eat in the dark?" she cried.
        "Why?" he asked.
She retorted immediately...
        "Don't you have any common sense? If you switch on the fan, won't it blow out the candle?"😲🙆

3. One day the gate between heaven and hell broke down, and Saint Peter and Satan got into a bitter dispute about whose responsibility it was to repair it. After much argument they could not arrive at an agreement. Then Saint Peter said he would hire a lawyer to defend the interests of heaven.

        Satan then gleefully asked...
        "Where are you going to get a lawyer?" asked Satan.
        "I've got them all." Saint Peter replied.😎😉

4. "Now," soothed the psychiatrist, "tell me about this dream you had."
        "Well," said his female patient, "I dreamed I was walking down the street with nothing on but a hat."
        "And were you embarrassed?"
        She replied..."Yes, I was. It was last year's hat."😔😞

5. Three cellmates in a Soviet prison discussed how they landed in jail.
        "I was going late to work," mourned the first.
        "Me? I went too early," recounted the second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist spy."
        "And I'm here," complained the third, and continued...
        "Because I arrived exactly on time, they accused me of owning an American watch."😭

6. The woman lion tamer had her beasts under perfect control. At her summons, the fiercest lion came meekly to her and took a piece of sugar out of her mouth. The crowd cheered, all except one man.
        "Anybody could do that," he yelled from the audience.
        "Would you?" the ringmaster retorted scornfully.
        "Certainly," replied the man. "I can do it as well as the lion can."😏

7. A housewife answered her doorbell to find a man collecting money for a poor woman in the block. He said the old woman owed him money for coal and groceries and was about to be evicted because she owed four months' rent.
        "Sir," the housewife said,
        "It's nice of you to take it on yourself to get money for the poor woman. Who are you?"
        "I'm the landlord," replied the man.😭

8. "My brother strained himself really badly at cricket last week."
"I didn't know he played cricket."
"No, he strained his voice."😁

9. Three men were arguing over whose profession was first established on earth.
        "The Bible says that Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. I guess that makes mine the oldest profession." said the Surgeon.
        "Not at all. An engineering job came before that. In six days the Earth was created out of chaos and that was the engineer's job." said the Engineer.
        Then the politician said..."Yes, but who created the chaos?"😎😜

10. A college boy said to his mother,
        "I have decided to take to politics after my studies and to clean up the mess in the world."
His mother reacted to his proposition with...
        "That's very nice. You can go upstairs and start with your room." his mother said.😂😁

11. "My boyfriend is an electrician."
        "Oh, is he your current boyfriend?"
        "No, he's alternating between me and the girl next door." replied the girl.😑😐

12. A man was talking to his friend about his son-in-law:
        "He can't drink and he can't play cards."
        "That's nice," commented his friend. "You are fortunate to have a son-in-law like that."
        "No, he can't afford to drink, and he drinks: he can't afford to play cards, but he plays." said the man.😤

13. A close friend of a famous doctor went to see him. The doctor asked him,
        "How come I haven't seen you for a long time?"
        "No, I've been ill," man replied...😂

14. A man had taken his son, aged ten, to have an aching tooth extracted. When the job had been accomplished, the dentist said:
        "I'm sorry, Sir, but I shall have to charge you five hundred rupees for pulling the tooth."
        "Five hundred rupees!" exclaimed the man in dismay.
        "Why, I understand you charge only one hundred rupees for such work."
The dentist replied...
        "Yes, but the kid yelled so loud that he scared four other patients out of the clinic."

15. "You used to hold my hand when we were courting," she said as they were lying side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.
        "Then you used to kiss me," she purred. He turned over, gave her a soft kiss, and then turned over again, trying to sleep.
        "After that, you used to bite my neck."
With this the husband got up.
        "Where are you going?" she asked.
        "To get my teeth," he grumbled.😂😁

16. One morning, a newly married young lady phoned here mother.
        "Mom, I'm so upset," she whined. "I think I have to fire the maid!"
        "Why dear? Tell mother all about it."
        "She stole two of my best towels."
        "Which ones were those darling?"
        "The one we got from Taj Mahal Hotel, Mumbai." she replied.😔😞

17. A middle-aged woman was bitten by a mad dog. She was hospitalized. The doctors lost hope for her and they were quite sure she would succumb to hydrophobia. One of the doctors informed her.
        You can write your last wish and will," the doctor said.
        "Well, I want to write the names of those whom I am going to bite," she replied.😲😮

18. "To please my wife, I have given up smoking, drinking and gambling a fellow told his friend.
        "That must make her very happy," said the friend.
        "No, it has not," said the man and continued...
        "Now every time she begins to talk to me, she can't think of anything to say. So she feels miserable."😏😜

19. A sergeant in charge of the new recruits ordered:
        "Men, when I blow the whistle, I want you to shoot at will."
At that moment one very frightened young man ran across the ground and out of sight.
        "Who was that? Where's he going?" bellowed the sergeant.
The reply came from one of the recruits...
        "That was Will(William)," replied one of the recruits.😇

20. A woman stalked into a detective's office, plonked a five-hundred rupee note on the desk and explained,
        "My husband has taken up with a pretty girl, and I'm not going to let him get away with it."
        "Well," said the detective, "what do you want me to do?"
The woman replied...
        "I want you to follow them twenty-four hours a day," snapped the woman, "and tell me what on earth she sees in him."😂😄