All Time Best Jokes

  • John: "What does hypnotism mean? People talk quite a lot about it."
    Sam: "It is a process in which one person attracts another and makes him do whatever is told to him."

        John thought for a moment and said, "Oh! It's nothing but marriage, man."

  • "Another new saree," shouted the husband. "Where do you think I'm going to get the money from to pay for it?"

        "That's your business," she replied with complete nonchalance. "I didn't marry you to give you financial consultation."

  • Lady: "I want to present a nice gift to my husband. What would you suggest?"
    Salesgirl: "How long have you been married, madam?"
    Lady: "Nineteen years."
    Salesgirl: "The bargain counter is on the fifth floor, madam."

  • Entering the classroom, a small boy said, "Please madam, ought I to be punished for something I have not done?"

        "Of course not!" said the teacher kindly.
        With a sigh of relief the small boy said... "I have not done my homework."

  • Lawyer: "When did the robbery take place?"
    Witness: "I think..."
    Lawyer: "We don't care what you think, Sir. We want to know what you know."
    Witness: "Then if you don't want to know what I think, I might as well leave the stand." He added..

        "I can't talk without thinking. I'm no lawyer."

  • One morning, a newly married young lady phoned her mother.

        "Mummy, I'm so upset," she whined. "I think I have to fire the maid!"

        "Why dear? Tell mother all about it."
        "She stole two of my best towels."
        "Which ones were those darling?"
     "The one we got from 'Hotel Del Coronado', California."

  • Two gamblers met at a bus stop. One said, "Today seems to be a good day for me and I have an excellent hunch. I got up at seven, had seven sandwiches for breakfast, took bus number seven to reach the race course, and there were seven horses in the race. I picked the seventh horse to win."

        The other gambler asked him curiously, "So your horse was a winner in the race?"

        The gambler replied... "No, he came in seventh."

  • A middle-aged couple and the husband's friend visited a "Wishing Well". It was believed that if anyone dropped a coin in the well and wished for something, it would happen. The husband dropped a coin in the well and silently made a wish. The wife tried to do likewise but leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned.

        The new widower turned to his friend and murmured...
        "Never thought these things worked so fast."

  • To win over the hearts of slum-dwellers, a minister decided to have dinner with a family in the slum area. At the appointed time, he was formally greeted by the people and dinner was arranged in the open area near the slum. A variety of food was served.
        The minister looked around and said, "I'm glad to see you are living so comfortably."

        A young girl standing close to the minister told him.. "Oh, Sir, if you want to know how we really live, you must come when you are not here."

  • A woman stalked into a detective's office, plonked a five hundred rupee note on the desk and explained...

        "My husband has taken up with a pretty girl, and I'm not going to let him get away with it."

        "Well," said the detective, "what do you want me to do?"

        The woman replied... "I want you to follow them 24 hours a day," snapped the woman, "and tell me what on earth she sees in him."

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