Thanksgiving Day Funny Quotes

  • "If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe." - Carl Sagan

  • "Most turkeys taste better the day after;
    My mother's tasted better the day before. - Rita Rudner

  • "We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing." - George Carlin

  • An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. - Irv Kupcine

  • "Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty." - Michael Dresser

  • "Thanksgiving is possible only for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory" - Unknown

  • "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'" - Jim Gaffigan

  • "I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." - Erma Bombeck

  • "It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak." - Phyllis Diller

  • If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese." - Ted Nugent

  • Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. - Kevin James

  • "Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." - Johnny Carson

  • "My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor" - Phyllis Diller

  • "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car." - Stephen Colbert

  • "Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie." - Jim Davis

  • If you think Independence Day is America's defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title, hands-down. - Tony Snow

  • A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. - Kin Hubbard

  • "Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt." - Roseanne Barr

  • "I love Thanksgiving's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

  • "Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out." - Nicole Hollander

  • Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday. The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production. - Ayn Rand

  • What is sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey or the guinea hen. - Alice B. Toklas

  • "One distinguishing mark of an unregenerate man is ingratitude." - E. J. Conrad

  • The thing I'm most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. - Unknown

  • This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table. - Jim Samuels

  • "You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." - Jay Leno

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